People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
Relational skill is a core quality of leadership, with or without a title. People open up to knowledge and ideas more readily when they sense that the other person genuinely cares about them.
The quality in detail
Four steps through the quality: understand, check, connect, apply. Open any topic to read more.
The core messageWhat the quality means – and what it doesn’t
People open up to your knowledge only once they sense that you are interested in them. You build relationships with head, heart and hand: understanding, valuing, helping.
- It does not mean
- That expertise comes second. Without competence no relationship lasts long – care does not replace ability, it is what makes ability effective.
- That you have to be friends with everyone. Relational skill means taking everyone seriously, not forcing closeness or avoiding conflict.
- Strictly speaking
- It is well documented that the quality of the relationship between leaders and those they lead is linked to performance, satisfaction and commitment. Emotional intelligence, by contrast, has a weaker effect than often claimed when leaders and teams are surveyed separately.
- Warmth is judged first in a first impression, hence the order in the core statement. That does not make it a general priority: in an emergency, what counts first is whether you know what to do.
- Applies to
- Every place where people travel together: in the team and with customers, between departments and on leadership boards, in small groups and church leadership, in the club team, in marriage and family, and among neighbors.
The explanationUnderstand people: the leader builds relationships with the head by putting themselves in others’ shoes.
Understand people: the leader builds relationships with the head by putting themselves in others’ shoes.
Love people: with the heart. And help people: with the hand.
The signs3 signs the quality is present · 3 that it is missing
- You know the life circumstances of the people you work with and ask specifically when something changes.
- You listen first and try to understand before you give advice.
- You help in practical ways when someone is in need, even when it is not part of your job.
- Conversations with you revolve almost entirely around tasks, numbers and deadlines – whether with staff, with leaders or on the board.
- People only find out that you value them when they resign or leave.
- You persuade with arguments, but nobody feels seen by you.
The research5 sources: 3 meta-analyses, 1 theory, 1 critique · 1995–2016 · with the limits of the research
- low
- moderate
- high
High – Relationship quality (LMX), consideration, emotional intelligence.
- 1995George B. Graen & Mary Uhl-Bien
Leadership as the quality of the dyad.
- 2010Peter D. Harms & Marcus Credé
The link between emotional intelligence and transformational leadership is weak with separate data sources.
Relationship quality is well supported. For emotional intelligence, effects are much smaller when leader and followers are surveyed separately.
The originJohn C. Maxwell · “Relationships”
- 1999OriginJohn C. Maxwell
The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader, Quality 15
- RelationshipsIn essence: If you get along well with people, they will go along with you.
- todayWEGVISOR: Relationships
The WEGVISOR version is called the “Quality of Relationships”, with the core statement “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” The importance of good relationships is well documented; the sentence, however, describes a priority in first impressions, not a rule for every situation.
The related qualities and lawsL11 Inner Circle · L10 Connection · Q17 Security
If you can nurture relationships, you gain a strong inner circle. Without this ability it stays small or consists only of yes-men.
Connection is the relationship in a single moment; relational skill is the lasting attitude behind it. If you nurture it, you don’t have to win hearts anew every time.
Good relationships give people security. Knowing they are seen and supported, they dare to raise mistakes and worries openly.
The action points5 stages of growth – from first awareness to passing it on
- Become aware Go through the people you work with in your mind and note for each person one thing that matters to them outside work. Where does it stay blank?
- Lay the foundations This week, take 20 minutes for a conversation with one person at work, with no agenda at all: ask questions, listen, and remember what matters to them.
- Make it a habit Reserve a fixed slot every week for a one-on-one with a different person, and afterwards note what that person needs right now and how you can help.
- Deepen deliberately Deliberately seek out the person you find hardest to deal with or who thinks very differently from you, and ask three people at work how approachable they find you.
- Pass it on Once a month, create a fixed occasion in your setting, whether team, project or club, where people get to know and support one another; if you lead leaders yourself, coach them in building relationships themselves.
The reflection questions5 questions for you or a conversation with others
- What do I know about the lives of the people I work with, beyond their tasks?
- With whom have I neglected the relationship lately – in my area, with partners or in the leadership above me?
- When did I last help someone although it was not my job?
- Do the people around me sense my interest in them first, or my interest in results?
- Where do I avoid a conflict and wrongly call it consideration for the relationship?
Take your time with one question. Write down your answer – or talk it over with someone you trust.
The picture to rememberIndividual dots become a network. Every new connection helps carry the load.
- Individual dots become a network.
- Every new connection helps carry the load.
What relationships looks like in practice
The climber without a noble name
Cicero came not from Rome’s old nobility but from the equestrian order – so he deliberately forged ties with Pompey, Caesar and Brutus. After his exile in 58 BC friends brought him back; too many enemies cost him his life in 43 BC.
Bridges, not walls: how Augustus bound Rome
Instead of simply destroying rivals, Augustus reconciled for a time with Lepidus and Antony, relied on confidants like Agrippa and Maecenas and rewarded veterans with land. That is how he stabilized Rome and ushered in the Pax Romana.
Lincoln brought his competitors into the cabinet
Lincoln appointed his political competitors Seward, Chase and Stanton to his cabinet. Through humility, humor and listening he won their respect and kept big egos focused on the shared mission during the Civil War.
